Why Me? Why Not Me?

It all started when a coworker stopped me at work one day. “Hey Amanda, I read your Facebook post. You’re a wonderful writer. Have you ever considered writing a blog?” I smiled brightly and told her I had never thought about it, and I wasn’t sure I had time for anything else in my life, but I appreciated the kind words. What I didn’t say was that I had no idea what she was talking about. What in the world was a blog? I did some halfhearted research, but it didn’t go anywhere. Between taking care of my mom and my kids I didn’t think I could fit anything else into a very busy life. A hundred trips into town for sports, music, appointments, therapy for my youngest, school and myriad other things, I just didn’t have the time but over the next few months it stayed at the back of my mind. “What would you think if I wrote a blog? I asked my teen. “Mum, do you even know what that is?” “Yes, I said defensively, of course I do.” There was no way I was telling her I had to do research in order to be able to talk about it even semi- intelligently. “What would you call it?” she asked. “What do you mean? “You have to have a name for it.” “Well, I don’t know. Do you have any ideas?” “Nope.” A month later we were all in the car, which is where I spend much of my life, so I took the opportunity to ask both girls if they could think of a good name. We discussed several but they wanted something that would indicate we were a family, and it was our story. Their working title was, Three in the Wind. We had just finished listening to Dust in the Wind, an awesome song by Kansas. It was on my playlist, which normally my oldest would have no part of, but she wanted to drive so she was stuck listening to my music. My car, my music is the rule. My youngest was singing along in the backseat and knew every word, which is just a nod to the fact she spends too much time in the car with me and that she has been exposed to only the best music. My girls are so different. Both raised by me, same rules and environment, but each so dissimilar. I guess that will have to be a subject for another blog if I ever get through this one. A second month went by. My mother passed away after a long illness. She had always lived with us, since the girls were born, so it was a big loss and a difficult time, but the idea still intrigued me off and on. Over the next two months, I began to take the idea more seriously. To be honest, I didn’t like the person I had become. The pandemic had taken its toll on me. Homeschooling my kids, caring for my mom, working full time as a nurse, it was a lot and I recognized that I was short tempered and a little bit bitter about working in an industry that seemed not to care. Doing more with less and risking our lives on a daily basis. Holding the hands of those who were unable to have family with them or had no family, as they took their last breath. I needed something that was just for me. A way to connect with people and to express my angst in a healthier way. So, finally, here we are.

” I have decided to go ahead with my blog.” I announced in the car on the way to school. No response. I repeated myself a little louder. “Did you say something Mum?” My oldest removed her air pod out of her ear. Nothing from the back seat, my youngest enthralled by whatever was on the ipad. I was used to the lack of response. Screen time at my house is limited to homework and the car so often times there is limited conversation. I have learned to listen to my music or talk with the dogs who, to be honest do not add much to the conversation. “I have decided to start my blog.” “Oh, was that all?” “Yeah, I guess so.” I felt a little deflated. After all, I had spent months agonizing over the decision. She put her ear pod back in. “Let me know if you need me to help or anything.” I started the way I would think anyone would, who had no idea what they are doing, I googled how to start a blog. I found a site that said I could get my blog up and running in just a few easy steps and it would take less than half an hour. I was excited. Finally, I was making progress. Step one was naming my blog. The advice was to name it something that would indicate what it was about. That was hard. How do you name something that is about a bunch of different things. “Girls!” I yelled. “What?” “Come and help me.” “What do you want? My youngest’s tone indicated she was way too busy with important stuff to help with anything not worthy of her time.” “Mara, that is a bit disrespectful” I chastised her. “Sorry mum.” “We need to come up with a name for my blog. It has to be a name that tells everyone what the blog is about.” We came up with several names, but I wanted one that would let everyone know that my blog is about the daily life of our family, good and bad, funny and sad, sorry about the rhyming truly not intentional but apt. The truth about what our life is like. As a family we chose The True Story of Us as the blog name. Well, step one certainly took more than the 30 minutes I was promised it would take. Step 2, registering the domain name. I got this. What! It costs money! Step 3 pick a web server and pay up. I can get a discount because I am using the easy step method of setting up my blog. I considered my options. Rethink the whole thing or pay the money. Not a lot, but still more than I intended to spend on an uncertain outcome. Was I worth it? I decided I was already in too deep. If I told my kids, I had given up after months of debate and back and forth, they would never let me forget it. Finally, I get to the point where I get to design my site. This is the most exciting part. I got my cell phone out. Pick a theme. What do they mean a theme? Did they mean a subject for my first post? I did what anyone would do I Googled it. OK theme means preset designs. There were only 6. I hated them all. “Mattea, I yelled, can you come help me?” “If I don’t like any of these, how do I get different ones.” You just click on add new.” Somehow between the two of us we came up with 2 themes to choose from. So far, my blog had taken me 3 months of indecision, 4 hours for the 30-minute step guide and $82.50 and I was only on step 3. “Can I go now,” my oldest asked with that tone that said she would rather be anywhere else. “Yup, I got it.” How hard can this be, I thought to myself? I have already made it through the hard stuff. I stared at the page in front of me. Advanced appearance with themes, menus, pages, URL’s, http’s, sec’s, ABC’s for goodness’ sake, I had absolutely no clue. Well, I’ll just start at the top with the easy stuff and change the picture to one that is more us. “Mattea, I yelled. Please come help me. Why does this picture look so weird? Why can’t I get it in the right place?” “That picture is not going to work.” “Well, why not?” “It’s not in the right orientation.” “What?” It’s in portrait orientation not landscape.” “It is too a landscape.” “Not the subject matter, the orientation, she said in exasperation, you have to pick a different one.” “How about this one?” “Mum, that is in portrait too.” “OK, I’ll just look through and see if I can find something that will work.” Google, what is portrait/landscape orientation mean? The entire process took me over 3 hours. My dreams of writing a beautiful piece about important stuff was becoming harder and harder to imagine. Step 4 creating the menu’s and linking them to the domain. What? Google? “Mattea?” “What mum?” “It says I need a privacy page, but it won’t let me access the menu where it needs to go, and I have no idea what a privacy page is supposed to say.” “Mum, they have one already written for you.” Oh, well how do I get that?” “You just go to the menu heading privacy and click on policy.” “Oh.” I looked at the clock. Maybe just another few minutes and I could start writing. “Mum, can I go? I have homework.” “Yes, I got it.” “Yeah, right, she muttered. See you in a few.” I stared at the screen. Maybe this was all a big mistake. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be creative. Maybe nobody cares what I have to say. I closed the laptop lid in defeat. Maybe it would be better tomorrow.

Not so much. I had a great attitude. It WAS going to be better. The kids were in school so no help from them. It was all on me. I started to write. I was on a roll. Some humor, honesty, transparency. I wanted it to be perfect. The content was ok but what about the grammar, whoops spelled that wrong, punctuation, were there any run-on sentences. How long has it been since I had to really care about any of that? Did the quotation marks go on the inside or the outside of the punctuation at the end of the sentence? I was obviously out of my depth. What was I thinking? I put it away and another month went by. I thought about it with a guilty conscience every day. When was I going to get back to it? Maybe I should just forget it. But and here is the crux of it. No matter the punctuation, or the theme or the privacy notice maybe somebody out there will make a connection and won’t feel as lonely and defeated. Maybe just by writing this I won’t feel as lonely and defeated. As time goes on, I will become more proficient, at least I hope so. I may not achieve what I thought I would, but I might achieve something unexpected and in the interim I can teach my kids that giving up is not an option and that opening up can be healthy and cathartic even with run on sentences and entirely wrong punctuation. Hey, maybe my 16-year-old knows a website that can give me a remedial course in punctuation. “Hey Mattea!” I yell. “Oh, right she is in school.” I said aloud to the dogs. Well, I thought to myself, that is what texting is for. I picked up the phone. “Hey Mattea, are you in class or can you help me?” “Help you with what?” quickly came across the screen. “My blog.” I typed quickly. “Mum, are you kidding me, I’m in school.” “Yeah, but if you are on a break or in study hall you could help me.” “Mum, study hall is for studying, not for trying to get old people to understand the concept of blogging.” Right no help there. Hey Google?